Gratitude is one of those ideas we think we already understand. We’re handed versions of it from childhood — say thank you, feel thankful, list the good things in your life. And for a long time, that seems simple enough. But the older we get, the more complicated it becomes. Gratitude doesn’t always match the moment we’re in. It doesn’t always occur naturally. And it rarely looks the way we’ve been told it should.
Messy gratitude coexists with other, harder feelings:
- Being grateful for time with someone while still experiencing sharp grief.
- Appreciating small kindnesses while feeling exhausted by caregiving.
- Noticing warmth in a room while fearing what the future might hold.
These mixed states are normal. Research in neuroscience and psychology suggests that gratitude is deeply tied to the body. It may appear as a soft warmth or a long breath out, instead of an organized mental checklist. Paying attention to those embodied signals is a legitimate form of gratitude.
Why bring this up? Because when people think they’re “bad at gratitude” for not feeling the picture-perfect version, they often feel guilty — and guilt wears down the wellbeing gratitude is meant to nurture. Acknowledging messy gratitude takes away that shame and makes the practice easier to approach.
When Gratitude Backfires
Researchers have found that gratitude practices don’t work the same way for everyone. In some cases, the effects are limited, mixed, or even counterproductive:
People experiencing significant depression or anxiety may not benefit from standard gratitude prompts in the way others do. For some, these exercises can feel like moral pressure to “be grateful,” which can heighten shame or helplessness.
Cultural background and personality also shape how gratitude functions. A practice that feels supportive for one person or in one culture may have a different impact elsewhere. And some experimental studies suggest that certain gratitude settings can have unexpected moral or behavioral side effects, leading researchers to emphasize using these practices with care.
The bottom line: gratitude can be powerful and genuinely helpful — but not in the same way, or to the same degree, for everyone. That’s why an approach that makes room for complexity matters.
How to Practice Messy Gratitude
Here are practical, research-aligned ways to invite gratitude that respect how messy life can be.
Shrink it down: Try micro-gratitude.
Research suggests small, frequent experiences of positive emotion can matter. Instead of insisting on a long gratitude list, notice one small sensory detail: warmth of tea, a brief laugh, the sound of a fridge. If naming feels too much, just notice.
Make it bodily, not just mental.
Gratitude often shows up in the body first. Pause and name a bodily sensation that feels grounding: a slow exhale, feet on the floor, the softness of a sweater. This aligns with findings that gratitude and presence are embodied experiences.
Use flexible practices.
If journaling feels overwhelming, try writing one sentence in your planner or notebook, taking a photo of something that mattered that day, or a recording a quick voice memo saying, “…and that moment helped.”
Don’t weaponize gratitude.
Avoid using gratitude as an emotional bypass (“You should be thankful, stop grieving”). Clinical and review literature warns that pressure to feel grateful can backfire. Allow space for other feelings.
Try relational gratitude when safe.
For many people, reaching out to someone with a message of thanks creates more social benefit than keeping a private gratitude list. But if a relationship feels tender or tense, you can adjust. Aim your gratitude toward the natural world, the makers of things you love, or a meaningful memory instead.
Mix gratitude with meaning-making, not forced positivity.
Many therapists and researchers suggest pairing gratitude with deeper forms of meaning-making, such as grief work or trauma-informed practices, instead of using it on its own. In that context, it becomes more supportive and more sensitive to the layers of someone’s past.
Easy Exercises You Can Try This Week
30-second object scan: Look at one object in the room and quietly ask, “How does this make my day a little easier?” (No pressure to feel anything dramatic.)
Micro-sensation check: Put a hand on your chest for 10 seconds. Notice warmth, breath, or tension. If something feels gentle, name it.
One-sentence gratitude: End a day by writing one honest sentence: “I appreciated X, and I’m still struggling with Y.” This normalizes mixed feelings.
Holding both gratitude and grief isn’t easy, but it’s honest. It breaks out of the scripted version of things and makes room for real life, in all its layers. And while the science shows gratitude can be useful, it also gives us permission to be flexible and gentle with ourselves.
